Wednesday, March 27, 2013

#Divorce/Separation - My Thoughts (#NHB)

I'm a bit ashamed of myself. The last time I blogged was January 1st 2013 - very embarrassing.

How are you doing dear reader? I'm sure it's been a good year so far.

I was on #NHB (No Holds Barred) on Twitter last Wednesday and i talked about Divorce. I got a lot of positive responses and a few DMS (Direct Messages) asking me to blog the whole thing. I didn't buy the idea of blogging about it cos 1) I didn't just like the idea and 2) I was too lazy to blog.

So last night, I was on LIB reading an engagement post and the guy who proposed caught my attention, I'd seen on Bella Naija before - as a groom. So I copied his name into the Google Search on Bella Naija and yup his wedding came up. I was quite interested in the guy because I still saved some pictures from his wedding a few days back - as regards some decoration details I wanted for my wedding. So you can imagine my shock reading about the divorce of that same wedding that took place in 2011!! He'd dated his present fiancee for 6 months, which means he separated/divorced from his ex-wife (the wedding post I went through) maybe mid last year (2012).

I was appalled! I had so many questions I wanted to ask - what went wrong? How irreconcilable was it? Was it that bad? I then went to the comments on his wedding post (the wedding garnered over 140 comments) - everyone went "ooh! ahh! I want this, where's my man? they look sooo in love, this is beautiful" ........

There and then, I told myself I'd blog this morning.


So in case you missed the #NHB session on Twitter, you can read it below (unedited).

Glad to be back on #NHB for the second time. I had fun the last time *winks* Tonight, I’ll be looking at Divorce/Separation. I’ll be looking at it from my little inexperienced eyes – so feel free to disagree with me (but politely please).

My dictionary defines divorce as the legal dissolution of a marriage or the decree that dissolves it. Separation is defined as to cease to live together as a couple/to be come disunited. #NHB

Let me start with myself. I grew up knowing my mum as the father and mother of the house. I met my dad for the first time in 2008 and I haven’t seen him since then (he’s alive though). He left my mum when I was 6months in her tummy, with my 2 older siblings and moved in with another woman (who later gave him a set of female twins). #NHB

I can conveniently tell anyone that divorce/separation affects the kids more than the parents. My mum would tell us then that ‘oju merin lo n to omo ko ki n se meji’ (4 eyes should train a child not two). #NHB

Why do people find it easier to separate or file for divorce nowadays compared to the 90s or maybe 80s? It can be argued that perhaps, the most important factor in the increase of divorce is the greater social acceptance of divorce/separation. #NHB

I told someone sometime ago that I pray it won’t get to a stage where folks will tell you that “oh you’re not divorced/separated? Wow! You’re missing a whole lot”. Just joking, but I was that worried. You hear stories of how couples separate or divorce after 1yr, 2yrs or 3yrs and you’re like “what exactly went wrong?” #NHB

I know people don’t go into marriages because they hope to divorce – people go into it with great intentions...... then things shift. #NHB

Don’t get it wrong, the duration of your courtship has little or no effect on divorce/separation. #NHB

Divorce is pretty unfortunate but it’s no longer seen as a ‘sin’ even in religious circles. In the last decade, divorce has become a more practical option to young families bearing in mind that we no longer have large number of kids. #NHB

What I’m driving at tonight is very simple – some of us want happy homes, some of us want our kids to grow up with both parents under the same roof. Challenges will come, but let’s be more tolerant of each other.

If you grew up with both parents under one roof (with love),you have no idea what you had. #NHB

Plan properly before going into marriage, ignore the pressure to get married – please get married on your own terms, when you know you’re truly ready and when your partner seems to be ready also. #NHB

Get married when you know you’re truly ready and when your partner seems to be ready also. #NHB

When I say plan properly – plan financially, plan emotionally, plan psychologically and finally, plan sexually. #NHB

It may sound really odd, but let divorce/separation not be an option. It affects the kids a whole lot (I’m a huge testimony).#NHB

What if domestic violence is involved? Well…….. I once interviewed a female preacher (Pastor Funke Adetuberu) and when asked why divorce shouldn’t be an option – she replied “Nike, when you have a headache + malaria symptoms, you go to the hospital abi? You have a toothache and you dash to go see a dentist right? That’s how you treat a marriage. #NHB

There are doctors for ‘sick’ marriages. God is the overall physician/consultant. Talk to a counselor, talk to your pastor, talk to your Alfa/Imam (these are the ‘doctors’). Talk to them when the signs (symptoms) start showing so you all treat it together before it snowballs into something huge say ‘cancer’. #NHB

Prayer works – talk to God whichever way you know how to.#NHB

PS: Personally, if domestic violence is involved – I always advice “young woman, hope you can find your way to the door?” #NHB

It's very easy to say 'leave him,walk out' etc. It's not so easy if you're in it. May God give us good homes/partners (Amen). #NHB

Let me post a couple of twitter responses to the topic that night.

RT @amasonic: I think another reason why divorce is on the rise is that many think enduring in a marriage is an archaic concept. #NHB

RT @Cherox: But i think one of the reasons divorce is high is the BellaNaija syndrome. You see nice pictures, you get misty & say Daddy do my own #NHB

RT @lammyng: Single parenting is not the best, and it usually have negative effect on the kids, young couples should take note #NHB

RT @Singlesng: Personally I don't support and will not encourage divorce. SHIKENA! #NHB

RT @MannieManolo: Wife her ---> RT @Omotomilola: Some of us want our kids to grow up with both parents under the same roof #NHB"

RT @amasonic: I think there are extreme cases under which I will support divorce: constant battery of spouse, chronic infidelity. #NHB

RT @OmowonuolaMaja: Marriage is not by force and its not for everybody. #NHB

RT @Emveepee_1: As bad as it seems, I think is the only option in some cases..you just have to let go. #NHB

Kindly let me know what your stance on divorce - should it be the way out? Are we no longer patient? When can you advise 'divorce'?

5 comments:

  1. Personally, divorce is a no no, as rightly said by the blogger it always has adverse effects on the kids, our mothers then used to take a whole lot of nonsense, cos of the kids, LADIES, trust me, if the guy has been abusing you physically and cheating on you before marriage, he's not going to change after marriage, you can either live with it or not, do not go into it thinking he'll stop, he won't unless God decides to change him, as the saying goes"heaven helps those who help themselves" if you are not willing to change, God won't force anyone to change.so people" the choice is always your, Be WISE!!!

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  2. This is a very nice and encouraging piece.....I hope many people get to read this and see a reason to want to get married and never wanna get out of marriage....for me divorce isn't an option, So no point managing in a relationship! I always say a broken Relationship is better dan a broken Marriage! Like d story of a guy I heard called off his wedding to a lady he had dated for about 8years, I am sure he's happy now.I am double sure it might be hard for both of them wen d separation happened but its better they didn't get married and later divorce.Nike thanks 4 this Note its really lovely, Write More!

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  3. Waoh,I am so excited I read this piece,txs Adenike,dis is really inspiring,educating and encouraging...Divorce shld nt b solution,I strongly oppose it toooo.

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  4. Divorce/Separation/Tension in the home is a no no! Particularly when Children are involved. Even when there are no children, there's always a mess when you separate anything firmly glued...Welcome back Dear..lol

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  5. Humm, nice piece there, I am also a product of one and so is my finace. There's this great determination to stick with each other prayerfully, come-what-may when we get married. I have met guys that said they can't date let alone marry a lady from a divorced/seperated home,they claim it flows in the blood(whatever). But I tell you people, growing up wasn't funny,we lived with our paternal grannie before she died. she tried the best she could, this is to tell u we(myslf n my sis) never had the feel of how a family is . But to God be the glory, contary to people's expectation, we have not turned out bad. I tell you, aside from domestic violence, I live and die in my marriage.

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